Better not Bitter

It’s funny how men have contributed heartbreaks in my existence. They have unconsciously and consciously intended breaking my innermost being pieces by pieces. However, what is more funnier is that, all of them, whether my brother, friends, former lovers, have already been forgotten and forgiven from what they did. It was a process! Of course! It has never been easy. To get heart broken by “men” is hilariously shame excuse but we all have reasons.

I’m sharing my recent relationship with a man whom I interacted with for over 3 months and left without any explanation. Note that I cannot share the name of the person for a reason of protection. 

Whenever I try to look at our conversation, I can’t help but think how it ended mysteriously, brings me to the point of sadness. Anyway, we meet people every chapter of our lives either they stay or just be “part” of it. Nonetheless, whoever comes to our lives have imprinted in our hearts.

I do not know why he chose to disappear but it brought me to lowest point of my life and asked how was I doing? looked at myself in any angle, made mistake and somehow it was my fault. I cannot blame him for leaving me hanging since I do not have the right or wala akong papel sa buhay niya. It somehow made me feel unworthy and lonely. I had my self pity days the moment it happened. I blame myself everyday. I even looked at myself undeserving of the “best” of what they were trying to tell me. Then this hit me. 

Maybe, I was too lonely, hurting, what I thought is mine, is not yet the best from God. Maybe, since I was emotionally incapable, I grab what’s in front of me. Scared to lose what’s making me happy -therefore, I settle for less. Then it hit me, like my friend used to say who is now in heaven, 

“DO NOT SETTLE FOR LESS because You deserve THE BEST”.

The best. How? When everytime I step out, I fail? How can I deserve the best if all I think what is good will put me at the edge of the cliff? Leaving me hanging? Departing without any explanation? Mysteriously gone? Sad. Reality.  

I move forward with unanswered queries in my heart. Leaving it all just like what he did. (Mukhang forte niya yun 😅) I realized I do not need his explanation since he didn’t even try to reach out. I won’t look after him looking desperate and ask his explanation. Praying God would open the heavens for him and touch his heart and let him act like a “man”. But, just like any other woman, it would be better to hear him out lalo na may pinagsamahan naman kami. But if he is really decided to leave it that way, then let it be. Somehow I look at it for our own good. I think it’s for the best though. Kaya hinayaan ko nalang din. Kasi mukhang masaya naman narin siya. But I can’t help and think that I missed him everyday. ANYWAY!!! Haha. Enough with the drama. 

Going back, I was reminded by my few accountability friends of my “worth”. I stopped thinking on how I could get in touch with him or get an answer of my “why’s” because I remember that my worth does not come from men. And so,tumayo ulit ako, pinilit kong ibangon sarili ko sa miserableng nakaraan at patuloy paalalahanin ng halaga ko hindi sa mata ng mga tao kundi sa mata ng Maykapal.

I’m not walking this life with all the hatred in my heart just because some men chose to break it. I choose to forgive. And when I say, F O R G I V E, meaning, freedom from past, bitterness, hatred and anger towards the person including the things they did. WHOLEHEARTED. Yes, it’ll cringe a little when we see  the people who have hurt us but peace transcends. Through that it makes you a better person. Relearning isn’t bad, it will make you ask some unwanted questions but life is a battle and learning is part of it. Choose not to give up! Choose to forgive! Choose to be a better version of yourself! 

So whenever men would try to disturb or distract you, try to look back, No! Do not look back! Remember that you are now a redeemed person who has learned from the past but NEVER GOING BACK. 

You are the daughter of the Most High and your value does not come on earth. Remember that no matter how messy and ugly your past can be He binds with us. He accepts us for who we are. How about you? Have you accepted yourself and free yourself from hatred in the past? Freedom comes from forgiving ourselves. 

Feel free to share. 

That has gotta hurt

Pain is inevitable. However, it is a choice. In a world full of changing standards, it is crazy to think that these could satisfy the heart’s longing which apparently impossible. I am about to share the deep aches and concerns in my world and the answer to all the unbelievable skyrocketting emotions at this very moment.

Pain is a choice as same as with love. If love is present, pain is also real. You see, I did not expect to be this “people-person” as many have said. It was only developed and discovered when I finally decided to get out my comfort zone. Routine has driven weary and I noticed, it is not for me. Anyway, I earned friends. Plenty of friends but “few” real ones. I expected those “friends” to be there but to no avail, they disappeared and seemingly innocently ignored me. The “few” real ones where I encountered real talks, endured all the “uninvited” hangouts, persevered all my “complains” in life and interceded for me on my lowest points. They were the few people I did not expect to give and make time for me. Consequently, assurred me that no matter what season may bring us, whether no talks, no update posts, as long as communication is open, we will still be friends. They affirmed me more than friends, we were sisters! To those “friends” who gives us silent treatments, passes by when sees each other, texts only when needed, and remembers you only when sad, here’s my say, “thank you! Because of those treatment, it allowed me to see the real friends in my life.” I was able to identify the people who can protect my inmost being, sisters who are willing to dig deep in prayers for all my heartaches, and lastly, I was able to hold back my emotions because they help me refocus and refix my eyes to the true Beholder. Painful as it may seem, once in a while, I was reminded that in friendship there will always be “season” or sometimes a decision to let go. And to all my unhealthy relationships, if unfix, let go. 

To futher extend my other concerns, I would like to emphasize that I have no intention of hurting anyone or make parinig (but if you are guilty, then that’s the verdict. Haha.) Moving on, for more than 5 years in my profession, I’m still stuck here in Philippines. I have no savings, no car, no house and lot, no funeral insurance, and no love life. No matter how hard life’s showcase can be, the things mentioned are not the things that can fill a cup. I wanted to go abroad, so bad! I had to resign from a company where my needs were well compensated and work to a small hospital and earn minimum wage in order to gain hospital experience. Struggling it must have to me but that should be not a reason of giving up. If it takes to go through the eye of a needle in order to fulfill the dreams and be prosperous, I will persevere. If it leaves me no choice and remain single for the rest of my life, THAT IS OKAY. Again, I’ll go back to my word, these temporary things will not define my success nor wealth nor identity. Mahirap abutin ang pangarap, lalo na kung hindi talaga para sayo, pero walang masama sa ginagawa ang karapatan. It took me years to finally take the path and consider going abroad. But the challenge does not stop there, there are lot of steps to take such as money to shell out, exhausting effort to fix documents, pass exams and many more. As frustrating as it can be the desire should not deprive. I’ve got to fight but not alone. One day, I’ll fly with different colors and give all the credits to the One who holds my universe – my Abba Father.

As religous as it sound but that’s the truth. I can always complain and whine all the adversities in my life but I can never outgive Gods love. I may have loss important people or dreams unfulfilled but one thing I am sure that I can boast all the days of my life – Jesus. I may have been rejected by people but His wholeness accepted a wretch like me and that is enough, satisfying and fulfilling. At the end of the day, even we remain faithless, He remains faithful. I will keep trusting God and His plans.