Better not Bitter

It’s funny how men have contributed heartbreaks in my existence. They have unconsciously and consciously intended breaking my innermost being pieces by pieces. However, what is more funnier is that, all of them, whether my brother, friends, former lovers, have already been forgotten and forgiven from what they did. It was a process! Of course! It has never been easy. To get heart broken by “men” is hilariously shame excuse but we all have reasons.

I’m sharing my recent relationship with a man whom I interacted with for over 3 months and left without any explanation. Note that I cannot share the name of the person for a reason of protection. 

Whenever I try to look at our conversation, I can’t help but think how it ended mysteriously, brings me to the point of sadness. Anyway, we meet people every chapter of our lives either they stay or just be “part” of it. Nonetheless, whoever comes to our lives have imprinted in our hearts.

I do not know why he chose to disappear but it brought me to lowest point of my life and asked how was I doing? looked at myself in any angle, made mistake and somehow it was my fault. I cannot blame him for leaving me hanging since I do not have the right or wala akong papel sa buhay niya. It somehow made me feel unworthy and lonely. I had my self pity days the moment it happened. I blame myself everyday. I even looked at myself undeserving of the “best” of what they were trying to tell me. Then this hit me. 

Maybe, I was too lonely, hurting, what I thought is mine, is not yet the best from God. Maybe, since I was emotionally incapable, I grab what’s in front of me. Scared to lose what’s making me happy -therefore, I settle for less. Then it hit me, like my friend used to say who is now in heaven, 

“DO NOT SETTLE FOR LESS because You deserve THE BEST”.

The best. How? When everytime I step out, I fail? How can I deserve the best if all I think what is good will put me at the edge of the cliff? Leaving me hanging? Departing without any explanation? Mysteriously gone? Sad. Reality.  

I move forward with unanswered queries in my heart. Leaving it all just like what he did. (Mukhang forte niya yun 😅) I realized I do not need his explanation since he didn’t even try to reach out. I won’t look after him looking desperate and ask his explanation. Praying God would open the heavens for him and touch his heart and let him act like a “man”. But, just like any other woman, it would be better to hear him out lalo na may pinagsamahan naman kami. But if he is really decided to leave it that way, then let it be. Somehow I look at it for our own good. I think it’s for the best though. Kaya hinayaan ko nalang din. Kasi mukhang masaya naman narin siya. But I can’t help and think that I missed him everyday. ANYWAY!!! Haha. Enough with the drama. 

Going back, I was reminded by my few accountability friends of my “worth”. I stopped thinking on how I could get in touch with him or get an answer of my “why’s” because I remember that my worth does not come from men. And so,tumayo ulit ako, pinilit kong ibangon sarili ko sa miserableng nakaraan at patuloy paalalahanin ng halaga ko hindi sa mata ng mga tao kundi sa mata ng Maykapal.

I’m not walking this life with all the hatred in my heart just because some men chose to break it. I choose to forgive. And when I say, F O R G I V E, meaning, freedom from past, bitterness, hatred and anger towards the person including the things they did. WHOLEHEARTED. Yes, it’ll cringe a little when we see  the people who have hurt us but peace transcends. Through that it makes you a better person. Relearning isn’t bad, it will make you ask some unwanted questions but life is a battle and learning is part of it. Choose not to give up! Choose to forgive! Choose to be a better version of yourself! 

So whenever men would try to disturb or distract you, try to look back, No! Do not look back! Remember that you are now a redeemed person who has learned from the past but NEVER GOING BACK. 

You are the daughter of the Most High and your value does not come on earth. Remember that no matter how messy and ugly your past can be He binds with us. He accepts us for who we are. How about you? Have you accepted yourself and free yourself from hatred in the past? Freedom comes from forgiving ourselves. 

Feel free to share. 

Forgiveness is a gift

I’ve been thinking lately that somehow I felt used by some so-called “friends”. Friends who said they would stay. Friends who used to call you when they have problems and make you feel special because they tell you their darkest secrets. Friends who would text you, “Where are you?” but to my unresponsive instinct they will favorably unconsider your presence because you’ll find out that they’re with their “other” friends already.

You see, I do not have that “bunch of friends” that would stick through thick and thin but I have “few” friends who would gear up and listen attentively to all my whining unreasonable assumptions based from my own judgmental thoughts. Those were just few. Where are the others? Ayun, masayang nalilimutan ako at hinaharap ang kasalukuyan kahit wala ang presensiya ko. To be honest, I am mad. They didn’t even dare to ask how I was doing? And they would just forget all the fun memories that we had. But I won’t let my emotions, this emotion, to prevail!

“Forgiveness is a gift” my resident doctor repeatedly shared as I tell some of my insights in life. I had to go through acceptance before I go to the finished line. I had to accept that fact that these friends of mine will not call me because they are happy (which is good!) even without me. Well, I am just saying that those were the days and I am on my season of expanding my horizon and contentedly accept the fact that this is how my life goes on.

How I received forgiveness? By a genuine encounter with Christ and not with people. I saw how I can be selfish at ALL times and I look at people how they move in the pace of life selfishly. I am always reminded by the FACT that PEOPLE WILL FAIL US but God will never do the same. As I have laid my foundation to the Rock of my salvation He let me see through my whole being by giving me the full access of sonship in His Kingdom. He convinced me my true identity, worth and value. Whenever I get reminded by that I was always put in the position of surrender. Because of that I will always be forever grateful that even I only have “few” people to trust and treasure, I know that in Him I will always find security and peace.

And you asked if I have forgiven them? 100% YES. friendship are not meant to depend on each other. Sometimes there are seasons. A change of heart either to stay or let go. A friendship worth your time and sometimes an immediate action of letting go. Wherever they are, I AM HAPPY FOR THEM. As long as I live, my time, effort, and heart will be available to them but don’t abused me, I’ll know if you are using me to fill that reserved chair which apparently not meant for me. So help me God.

So, forgiveness is a gift. It is either you accept it or not.

 

Hanggang sa muli

May “tayo” kahapon, Sa aking pagmulat, “ako” na lang ngayon,  Sa mga araw na nakalipas, Umasang ika’y magbabalik,

Puso hinayaan isara, Nasaktan at binalewala, Akala’y katapusan, Ngunit pagasa ay nariyan,

Maraming katanungan, subalit napagtanto sagot ay hindi daan sa kapayapaan,
Muling binuksan ang pusong namamayapa,Para sa ngalan ng pagibig, Minahal ang sarili,

Hindi inakala na darating ang araw,Sapagkat bawat gabi sigaw ng puso, luha lamang ang katahimikan,
Pusong napagod, muling bumangon, Mula sa pinanggalingan, hindi nalimutan,
Sa pagtanggap, nakapagpatawad. Sa pagpapatawad, alalay ang kapayapaan.

Salamat sa muling pagayon sa aking puso, salamat sa aking pagpulot mula sa kapahamakan, salamat sa pagakay sa mabigat na pinagdaanan…

Hindi Mo ko iniwan, puso Mong tapat ang nagbigay liwanag, sa aking madilim na nakaraan,

masalimuot na nakaraan ay tinapos man, sa aking pagbangon, bagong kwento ang inaasam.

Kung kahapon ay ibabalik, buong pagkatao mo’y aking buong pusong tatanggapin,
kung hindi man pinalad, masaya kong tatahakin ang tadhanang inilaan, Hanggang sa muli

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