Better not Bitter

It’s funny how men have contributed heartbreaks in my existence. They have unconsciously and consciously intended breaking my innermost being pieces by pieces. However, what is more funnier is that, all of them, whether my brother, friends, former lovers, have already been forgotten and forgiven from what they did. It was a process! Of course! It has never been easy. To get heart broken by “men” is hilariously shame excuse but we all have reasons.

I’m sharing my recent relationship with a man whom I interacted with for over 3 months and left without any explanation. Note that I cannot share the name of the person for a reason of protection. 

Whenever I try to look at our conversation, I can’t help but think how it ended mysteriously, brings me to the point of sadness. Anyway, we meet people every chapter of our lives either they stay or just be “part” of it. Nonetheless, whoever comes to our lives have imprinted in our hearts.

I do not know why he chose to disappear but it brought me to lowest point of my life and asked how was I doing? looked at myself in any angle, made mistake and somehow it was my fault. I cannot blame him for leaving me hanging since I do not have the right or wala akong papel sa buhay niya. It somehow made me feel unworthy and lonely. I had my self pity days the moment it happened. I blame myself everyday. I even looked at myself undeserving of the “best” of what they were trying to tell me. Then this hit me. 

Maybe, I was too lonely, hurting, what I thought is mine, is not yet the best from God. Maybe, since I was emotionally incapable, I grab what’s in front of me. Scared to lose what’s making me happy -therefore, I settle for less. Then it hit me, like my friend used to say who is now in heaven, 

“DO NOT SETTLE FOR LESS because You deserve THE BEST”.

The best. How? When everytime I step out, I fail? How can I deserve the best if all I think what is good will put me at the edge of the cliff? Leaving me hanging? Departing without any explanation? Mysteriously gone? Sad. Reality.  

I move forward with unanswered queries in my heart. Leaving it all just like what he did. (Mukhang forte niya yun 😅) I realized I do not need his explanation since he didn’t even try to reach out. I won’t look after him looking desperate and ask his explanation. Praying God would open the heavens for him and touch his heart and let him act like a “man”. But, just like any other woman, it would be better to hear him out lalo na may pinagsamahan naman kami. But if he is really decided to leave it that way, then let it be. Somehow I look at it for our own good. I think it’s for the best though. Kaya hinayaan ko nalang din. Kasi mukhang masaya naman narin siya. But I can’t help and think that I missed him everyday. ANYWAY!!! Haha. Enough with the drama. 

Going back, I was reminded by my few accountability friends of my “worth”. I stopped thinking on how I could get in touch with him or get an answer of my “why’s” because I remember that my worth does not come from men. And so,tumayo ulit ako, pinilit kong ibangon sarili ko sa miserableng nakaraan at patuloy paalalahanin ng halaga ko hindi sa mata ng mga tao kundi sa mata ng Maykapal.

I’m not walking this life with all the hatred in my heart just because some men chose to break it. I choose to forgive. And when I say, F O R G I V E, meaning, freedom from past, bitterness, hatred and anger towards the person including the things they did. WHOLEHEARTED. Yes, it’ll cringe a little when we see  the people who have hurt us but peace transcends. Through that it makes you a better person. Relearning isn’t bad, it will make you ask some unwanted questions but life is a battle and learning is part of it. Choose not to give up! Choose to forgive! Choose to be a better version of yourself! 

So whenever men would try to disturb or distract you, try to look back, No! Do not look back! Remember that you are now a redeemed person who has learned from the past but NEVER GOING BACK. 

You are the daughter of the Most High and your value does not come on earth. Remember that no matter how messy and ugly your past can be He binds with us. He accepts us for who we are. How about you? Have you accepted yourself and free yourself from hatred in the past? Freedom comes from forgiving ourselves. 

Feel free to share. 

Finally, a new heart to the One

Its been a year since my disobedience kept roaring inside my head. Now that I finally get tired of doing it all over again knowing that on the first place it only gave me so much pain and aches. I finally said, “I give up! I surrender!” (Hands off!). Doing it all in my hands is not really a good character of being a woman. Then I guess it was last week of November when I realized it has to stop or I have to stop. I admitted that there is something wrong with me that the situation has been a cycle. But thank God for faithful friends who never stopped knocking at my door telling me that it was never God’s will on the first place. So I had to stop and I must obey God. It’s not a must but I am sure God’s will for me is still the best even at first it hurts.

I can finally say that I have a new heart, everything changed! I can finally say that even without an engagement ring or a future partner, I am happy! You know why? God’s love is more than enough! The satisfaction and unconditional love that I could never ask for more is already with me, in me and for me. How could I ask God to give me more than the love He has for me when it was already endless or unending? I have desires, yes, God knows all of them but for the record now that I have settled myself down, I have set them aside. It is already my last resort. 

I know God only can start that fire again when He already set me on that season. The love of being a single person is really an advantage of knowing God more without any distraction. There are some distractions, temptations and past flashbacks, yes, but as long as I fix my eyes to the One who loved me even before I was conceive nothing nor no one could ever separate us. Even though I am surrounded with my friends who are in love with their finance’s or they have already set it. I know that one of this days God will just continue to give me that heart to someone who would confidently say to me, “you are worth the wait, my queen.” Maybe its not this time, nor my time, of course it will always be on His perfect time for both of us.

I realized that as a single person, there’s a lot of things to do in this season. Grab all the opportunity while I still have it, they say. I want to go to a place where I can really appreciate God’s creation and get merry with people I love. Spend more time with my family. Travel around the world and many more. Well, those are some of my dreams, but nothing is impossible, I still got many years to do that, I still got many months to save and I have the Jehovah-Jireh, my Provider. 

I believe God is still preparing me for something. God is molding me to someone He wanted me to become. Eventually, I’ll become what He wanted me knowing that He alone knows what’s best for me 😀 The unconditional love He has for me never stopped and with that I am grateful that even in this season, a time of being single and happy, I know that with Him I could never ask for more. The love, security, trust, hope and faith rest in Him alone – My life rest in Him alone.

Finally, a new heart to the One.

The One has captured my heart again and again. He never stops indeed to the people He loves 🙂

A hint for my Future Husband

Yes, I know! You might be wondering WHY “future husband” again? I just thought this could be a help for me and also for him, whoever that may be. Okay, so let me start on how I picture my partner 😀 I’ll just include some of the list here, the rest would be for keep.

No.1 He should be a leader! How can he lead me and our family, if he is not a leader ?! 🙂

No.2 He should be a family man! 🙂 I came from a big family and definitely I will be looking out for really a good provider and someone who would rather spend his time with me and our children than his bunch of work.

No. 3 Of course, he should be in love with God above all else.  Someone who really loves to pray (talks to God everyday). I have nothing to say because it follows everything. 😀

So what to expect if my future partner will court me? 🙂

He should be my friend already. God knows my heart, I really treat every single men as brother in Christ. As long as that man doesn’t give me a hint of “assumptions”. (Hey, don’t get me wrong! Ladies do have discernment too..) He should know what are my likes and dislikes 😀 Or types of food? HAHA. I do love some particular Japanese/Korean cuisine. Yeeeeiiiizzz… I do love them! 🙂 And he should know where to bring me if he wants to take me out for dinner 🙂 I also love flowers and chocolates, I prefer them than teddy bears. Of course, he should have laid down ALL his intentions before the DATING will occur.. 🙂

But still, before those things might happen, he should have asked me from God first then court my friends and family. He should be sure that I am the one, and I should be certain of what response if EVER he will tell or lay down his intentions. In all those things, I should be READY and PREPARED. Scary? I must not! I believe God will prepare both of us in that season in His perfect time. I am more expectant with what God will do in our lives. I may not know him yet? Or maybe he’s already out there, waiting for God’s perfect time for us. I really don’t know. 🙂 But one thing for sure, God is molding, shaping, preparing and using both of us in His kingdom and for His glory. 

And I am more excited till we get there- exchange our “I do” and unveil my veil at the altar and whisper the words “you are worth the wait, my queen..” Walk me hand in hand with full confidence after that tiring yet worth it day of our most official day as married couple in the cool wind breeze of the beach or in the garden. The day that we have been waiting for is finally here 🙂 However, that would be another first chapter in our new journey of life being one flesh and being together. I know that God, the owner of everything will provide every single needs and desires of our hearts. It’s still another challenge for both of us but I am most certain that it would be easy if we will help one another.

What’s more exciting for that moment? My dad! As he guides me and walk me in the aisle, he will hand me over to you, I am sure that will be the most emotional part for me. I love my dad and I know he is also waiting for that moment but as his first princess, to let go is the most difficult part. (HAHAHA! Speaking like I’ve been there?) God has His own ways of twisting and arranging the stories. I might not like it at first but definitely He will change my heart and teach me that His plans are still the BEST.

Above all else, the author of our love story my dear F.Husband should be our top PRIORITY and top agenda of our daily basis. With all these things, I will still go back to my God who has given me so much and trusted me with much. More over, I know that God will not meet us with holes and breaks in our hearts. He will make us both complete and whole in His presence. I am most privilege for the most awaited day of our “Till I met you” and “Hello” of our once upon a time and tell each other “you are WORTH the wait…” Enjoy WAITING! 

Dearly beloved, 

Your future wife 

P.S

—-> So, dear F.Husband, you now have the idea of where to bring me if you will ask me out for a date 🙂 

*sigh

courtesy of google images