Better not Bitter

It’s funny how men have contributed heartbreaks in my existence. They have unconsciously and consciously intended breaking my innermost being pieces by pieces. However, what is more funnier is that, all of them, whether my brother, friends, former lovers, have already been forgotten and forgiven from what they did. It was a process! Of course! It has never been easy. To get heart broken by “men” is hilariously shame excuse but we all have reasons.

I’m sharing my recent relationship with a man whom I interacted with for over 3 months and left without any explanation. Note that I cannot share the name of the person for a reason of protection. 

Whenever I try to look at our conversation, I can’t help but think how it ended mysteriously, brings me to the point of sadness. Anyway, we meet people every chapter of our lives either they stay or just be “part” of it. Nonetheless, whoever comes to our lives have imprinted in our hearts.

I do not know why he chose to disappear but it brought me to lowest point of my life and asked how was I doing? looked at myself in any angle, made mistake and somehow it was my fault. I cannot blame him for leaving me hanging since I do not have the right or wala akong papel sa buhay niya. It somehow made me feel unworthy and lonely. I had my self pity days the moment it happened. I blame myself everyday. I even looked at myself undeserving of the “best” of what they were trying to tell me. Then this hit me. 

Maybe, I was too lonely, hurting, what I thought is mine, is not yet the best from God. Maybe, since I was emotionally incapable, I grab what’s in front of me. Scared to lose what’s making me happy -therefore, I settle for less. Then it hit me, like my friend used to say who is now in heaven, 

“DO NOT SETTLE FOR LESS because You deserve THE BEST”.

The best. How? When everytime I step out, I fail? How can I deserve the best if all I think what is good will put me at the edge of the cliff? Leaving me hanging? Departing without any explanation? Mysteriously gone? Sad. Reality.  

I move forward with unanswered queries in my heart. Leaving it all just like what he did. (Mukhang forte niya yun 😅) I realized I do not need his explanation since he didn’t even try to reach out. I won’t look after him looking desperate and ask his explanation. Praying God would open the heavens for him and touch his heart and let him act like a “man”. But, just like any other woman, it would be better to hear him out lalo na may pinagsamahan naman kami. But if he is really decided to leave it that way, then let it be. Somehow I look at it for our own good. I think it’s for the best though. Kaya hinayaan ko nalang din. Kasi mukhang masaya naman narin siya. But I can’t help and think that I missed him everyday. ANYWAY!!! Haha. Enough with the drama. 

Going back, I was reminded by my few accountability friends of my “worth”. I stopped thinking on how I could get in touch with him or get an answer of my “why’s” because I remember that my worth does not come from men. And so,tumayo ulit ako, pinilit kong ibangon sarili ko sa miserableng nakaraan at patuloy paalalahanin ng halaga ko hindi sa mata ng mga tao kundi sa mata ng Maykapal.

I’m not walking this life with all the hatred in my heart just because some men chose to break it. I choose to forgive. And when I say, F O R G I V E, meaning, freedom from past, bitterness, hatred and anger towards the person including the things they did. WHOLEHEARTED. Yes, it’ll cringe a little when we see  the people who have hurt us but peace transcends. Through that it makes you a better person. Relearning isn’t bad, it will make you ask some unwanted questions but life is a battle and learning is part of it. Choose not to give up! Choose to forgive! Choose to be a better version of yourself! 

So whenever men would try to disturb or distract you, try to look back, No! Do not look back! Remember that you are now a redeemed person who has learned from the past but NEVER GOING BACK. 

You are the daughter of the Most High and your value does not come on earth. Remember that no matter how messy and ugly your past can be He binds with us. He accepts us for who we are. How about you? Have you accepted yourself and free yourself from hatred in the past? Freedom comes from forgiving ourselves. 

Feel free to share. 

Love me for who I am

Staying fit with someone who loves to eat is one of the most difficult challenge you could have. I have lots of friends who loves to eat and laughs at you whenever they know you’re on a diet. Friend indeed they say. As I challenge myself to stay fit starting tomorrow, I still want to stick to my convictions and perceptions in life. “Love yourself” is one of the common sayings and facts in order to stay fit. I love myself that comes to the point of bulging into any kind of food as long as it seems delicious. And the no guilt-free experience starts to creep in to regrets that should’ve been exercise rather than calorie gained experience. I love myself that I don’t want to feel and encounter those kinds of calories gained experiences.

As I continue to observe men, I would totally agree that they are indeed visual. They like model-like body features. Even as a lady, I admire those models that stays fit and fabulously lean. But what I just can’t accept coming from a man is that he would not like me for being ME. You see, my body structure is some like heavy bottom, curvy yet still beautiful (Confident!!). Hearing those compliments and comments from men rings my bell that says “I will not make an effort just for you to like me…. and fit in to your standard! Love me for who I am”. Those were the words that encourages me to focus on the motive of exercising – loving myself. My body is not mine, and I’m not getting younger. I should take care of my body, as a gift from Above, As a steward I should know how to control my eating habits and to enjoy food as well.

Love me for who I am not by what you want to see. I don’t want to be selfish through that statement mentioned earlier but its absurd as a woman who wants to fit in to that criteria that will never make it. In the end I know that someone will love me for who I am and will not push me to do things that I don’t want to do. I believe that someone will encourage me with his gentle words of motivation, I believe that someone out there will everyday say I am beautiful no matter what is my vital statistics. I believe that more than desires actions should still follow.