Better not Bitter

It’s funny how men have contributed heartbreaks in my existence. They have unconsciously and consciously intended breaking my innermost being pieces by pieces. However, what is more funnier is that, all of them, whether my brother, friends, former lovers, have already been forgotten and forgiven from what they did. It was a process! Of course! It has never been easy. To get heart broken by “men” is hilariously shame excuse but we all have reasons.

I’m sharing my recent relationship with a man whom I interacted with for over 3 months and left without any explanation. Note that I cannot share the name of the person for a reason of protection. 

Whenever I try to look at our conversation, I can’t help but think how it ended mysteriously, brings me to the point of sadness. Anyway, we meet people every chapter of our lives either they stay or just be “part” of it. Nonetheless, whoever comes to our lives have imprinted in our hearts.

I do not know why he chose to disappear but it brought me to lowest point of my life and asked how was I doing? looked at myself in any angle, made mistake and somehow it was my fault. I cannot blame him for leaving me hanging since I do not have the right or wala akong papel sa buhay niya. It somehow made me feel unworthy and lonely. I had my self pity days the moment it happened. I blame myself everyday. I even looked at myself undeserving of the “best” of what they were trying to tell me. Then this hit me. 

Maybe, I was too lonely, hurting, what I thought is mine, is not yet the best from God. Maybe, since I was emotionally incapable, I grab what’s in front of me. Scared to lose what’s making me happy -therefore, I settle for less. Then it hit me, like my friend used to say who is now in heaven, 

“DO NOT SETTLE FOR LESS because You deserve THE BEST”.

The best. How? When everytime I step out, I fail? How can I deserve the best if all I think what is good will put me at the edge of the cliff? Leaving me hanging? Departing without any explanation? Mysteriously gone? Sad. Reality.  

I move forward with unanswered queries in my heart. Leaving it all just like what he did. (Mukhang forte niya yun 😅) I realized I do not need his explanation since he didn’t even try to reach out. I won’t look after him looking desperate and ask his explanation. Praying God would open the heavens for him and touch his heart and let him act like a “man”. But, just like any other woman, it would be better to hear him out lalo na may pinagsamahan naman kami. But if he is really decided to leave it that way, then let it be. Somehow I look at it for our own good. I think it’s for the best though. Kaya hinayaan ko nalang din. Kasi mukhang masaya naman narin siya. But I can’t help and think that I missed him everyday. ANYWAY!!! Haha. Enough with the drama. 

Going back, I was reminded by my few accountability friends of my “worth”. I stopped thinking on how I could get in touch with him or get an answer of my “why’s” because I remember that my worth does not come from men. And so,tumayo ulit ako, pinilit kong ibangon sarili ko sa miserableng nakaraan at patuloy paalalahanin ng halaga ko hindi sa mata ng mga tao kundi sa mata ng Maykapal.

I’m not walking this life with all the hatred in my heart just because some men chose to break it. I choose to forgive. And when I say, F O R G I V E, meaning, freedom from past, bitterness, hatred and anger towards the person including the things they did. WHOLEHEARTED. Yes, it’ll cringe a little when we see  the people who have hurt us but peace transcends. Through that it makes you a better person. Relearning isn’t bad, it will make you ask some unwanted questions but life is a battle and learning is part of it. Choose not to give up! Choose to forgive! Choose to be a better version of yourself! 

So whenever men would try to disturb or distract you, try to look back, No! Do not look back! Remember that you are now a redeemed person who has learned from the past but NEVER GOING BACK. 

You are the daughter of the Most High and your value does not come on earth. Remember that no matter how messy and ugly your past can be He binds with us. He accepts us for who we are. How about you? Have you accepted yourself and free yourself from hatred in the past? Freedom comes from forgiving ourselves. 

Feel free to share. 

Prayer Mountain 2018

Interestingly, few people have been asking me about the captured photos I posted in Instagram and Facebook during my overnight stay in Touch Of Glory Prayer Mountain, Antipolo. You have to read the whole blog, so I could give you the right track. 😅

Warning: some of the lines are “hugot” just for the sake of entertainment. 😅 It has nothing to do with my personal situation. Well, Sort of. Pero parang ganon narin. HAHA

So let’s start this by saying, it was a surreal experience! Hindi nagpahuli si Lord. This was my second time around going there by commute lang- alone. So, kung nag momove on ka or you want a quiet place, this is one of the many places you can consider to go to, kahit magisa ka lang. 

Baka maisip mo lang tanungin, how on earth did I capture that? Besh, T-I-M-E-R.

First, you have to check your heart. What is the purpose? So before you jump to any conclusions. Let me share some of my reasons.

1. Yes, I’m trying to clear my mind from stuff that I CANNOT BEAR WITH ANYMORE.

2. Yes, I’m trying to move on kahit walang dapat ika-move on. I mean, I need to move forward, para hindi ako mag stuck (SAKLAP, dba?)

3. I wanted to go there kasi accessible and convenient for me. I thought it won’t be difficult

4. I wanted to go back on track. To go back to the HEART OF WORSHIP. Soak in His presence. 

5. I have time to think. Re-think. Consider some things. Reasses my heart. 

Those are “some” personal reasons. Malalim yung hugot ko. I still have questions in my mind but I’d rather not dwell on them. Month of April has been heavy for me. I still wish it’s April Fools. Sa dami ng nangyari, I can attest that God is good. I didn’t end my stay there without hearing from the Lord. He boldly impressed to me that no matter how many times we fail, He won’t make you feel that “you are a failure” or “you failed Me again”. When I was about to leave, humabol pa si Lord ng yakap. Because of all the things that I’ve done, I face Him with unworthiness and wrecked heart, yet He would still choose to say “I have loved you with an Everlasting love…” Sarap. 

It was a heart melting experience. You know what? I was and still ready to accept the consequence. Then I was reminded by the prophecy which happened last March 7. As He reminded me of the love and the things He is about to do. I was speechless! And I sobbingly said, “I’m so sorry, Lord.” It took me a while to calm myself because at that moment it was overwhelmingly unbelievable. He assured me that NO MATTER how many times I fall, stumble, break, or even try to return to my past, HE WOULD STILL CHOOSE TO ACCEPT me and will not give up on me. Ang sarap sa pakiramdam di ba? And I prayed that I will be released from these things with the guidance of the Holy Spirit as I set my heart and mind at rest.

So the question remains. Was I able to find satisfaction with my overnight stay?

Of course I have. It’s between me and God. Actually, place has nothing to do because what I did, can do it alone at home naman din talaga. Parang you’ll find yourself wanting to detach from the world’s complexity. Far from your territory. Finally, I found myself wrapped and embraced in God’s arms. To be honest, I still have “what if’s”, I still have fears and hesitations but Deuteronomy 3:22. 

You shall not fear them, for it is the LORD your God who fights for you.’ – Deuteronomy 3:22

Change will always be a process, not instant. I trust God that by His grace, I can overcome these. So, umalis ako with a thankful heart. 

So eto na nga. Going from South, umpisahan natin sa Pacita. Kailangan may umpisa, each story has its beginning, saklap nga lang kung ending agad 😅

Pacita ➡️ Bus Terminal ➡️ ride Cubao, they must drop you off to Farmers Plaza (pero ‘wag ka papayag ng idrop ka ng basta basta. Sabihan mo silang, “sabihin” nila😅) it will cost you 75 php ➡️ malapit sa Gateway/Lrt/Jollibee, may dumadaan na Cogeo jeepneys, let them drop you to Cogeo Market (medyo malayo ‘toh. Pero may mararating ka dito. Sure ako! Sakanya ba? May pinatunguhan ba? 😂) 21 php ata. ➡️ Pagbaba mo, ‘wag ka tatawid sa intersection, BABALA: Nakamamatay so sa tamang tawiran tayo mga Besh. May footbridge, dun ka tumawid. As you step your last step from the bridge, you’ll see men shouting “PAENAAN”, ayan sila kuya pinagsisigawan yung gusto nila, eh si Kuya mo ba? 😂😅 going back. 24 php yung pagpunta dun. Pwesto ka sa magandang pwesto sa jeep,Para makapagmuni muni ka. Pagisipan mo mga ginagawa mo. 😅 ➡️ tell the driver to drop you gently and nicely to Touch Of Glory Prayer Mountain, you don’t need to ride tricycle! Teh, kinaya mo na nga yung masaklap ninyong relasyon ng ilang taon eh. yung less than 5minutes walk pa ba?! 

Note: avoid wearing shorts. Bring pants/leggings. Shorts are prohibited.

P. S. Leaving is easy from TOGM to Cogeo Market. But you have to endure the heat and waiting game for Cubao jeepneys. I’m not sure if dahil weekday ako nagpunta? Kasi anghirap ng sakayan. Sapalaran. Parang pagibi. Haha. But kidding aside, traffic was no joke at all! Yun lang. pero rest assured, makakauwi ka ng maayos. Hehe. 
Here are the updated room rates inclusive the food:

Must try:

Prayer Garden (First time ko dito. And I found my spot)

It looks dry because summer nga naman kasi hehe

You can also trek a little.

Hanapin mo ‘toh. Makikita mo kapag hinanap mo!

And as I end this, I hope it helped you somehow and encouraged you to be involve with God in every area of your life. It is my prayer that whatever you are going through right now, you’ll find security, peace and joy in Christ alone, whereever you are. Don’t give up. Kung kinaya ko at dinideal ko parin, kayang kaya mo din yan! Cheer up! ❤

In all the noise in the world, wherever you may be, in God’s loving arms, we’ll find rest. 

That has gotta hurt

Pain is inevitable. However, it is a choice. In a world full of changing standards, it is crazy to think that these could satisfy the heart’s longing which apparently impossible. I am about to share the deep aches and concerns in my world and the answer to all the unbelievable skyrocketting emotions at this very moment.

Pain is a choice as same as with love. If love is present, pain is also real. You see, I did not expect to be this “people-person” as many have said. It was only developed and discovered when I finally decided to get out my comfort zone. Routine has driven weary and I noticed, it is not for me. Anyway, I earned friends. Plenty of friends but “few” real ones. I expected those “friends” to be there but to no avail, they disappeared and seemingly innocently ignored me. The “few” real ones where I encountered real talks, endured all the “uninvited” hangouts, persevered all my “complains” in life and interceded for me on my lowest points. They were the few people I did not expect to give and make time for me. Consequently, assurred me that no matter what season may bring us, whether no talks, no update posts, as long as communication is open, we will still be friends. They affirmed me more than friends, we were sisters! To those “friends” who gives us silent treatments, passes by when sees each other, texts only when needed, and remembers you only when sad, here’s my say, “thank you! Because of those treatment, it allowed me to see the real friends in my life.” I was able to identify the people who can protect my inmost being, sisters who are willing to dig deep in prayers for all my heartaches, and lastly, I was able to hold back my emotions because they help me refocus and refix my eyes to the true Beholder. Painful as it may seem, once in a while, I was reminded that in friendship there will always be “season” or sometimes a decision to let go. And to all my unhealthy relationships, if unfix, let go. 

To futher extend my other concerns, I would like to emphasize that I have no intention of hurting anyone or make parinig (but if you are guilty, then that’s the verdict. Haha.) Moving on, for more than 5 years in my profession, I’m still stuck here in Philippines. I have no savings, no car, no house and lot, no funeral insurance, and no love life. No matter how hard life’s showcase can be, the things mentioned are not the things that can fill a cup. I wanted to go abroad, so bad! I had to resign from a company where my needs were well compensated and work to a small hospital and earn minimum wage in order to gain hospital experience. Struggling it must have to me but that should be not a reason of giving up. If it takes to go through the eye of a needle in order to fulfill the dreams and be prosperous, I will persevere. If it leaves me no choice and remain single for the rest of my life, THAT IS OKAY. Again, I’ll go back to my word, these temporary things will not define my success nor wealth nor identity. Mahirap abutin ang pangarap, lalo na kung hindi talaga para sayo, pero walang masama sa ginagawa ang karapatan. It took me years to finally take the path and consider going abroad. But the challenge does not stop there, there are lot of steps to take such as money to shell out, exhausting effort to fix documents, pass exams and many more. As frustrating as it can be the desire should not deprive. I’ve got to fight but not alone. One day, I’ll fly with different colors and give all the credits to the One who holds my universe – my Abba Father.

As religous as it sound but that’s the truth. I can always complain and whine all the adversities in my life but I can never outgive Gods love. I may have loss important people or dreams unfulfilled but one thing I am sure that I can boast all the days of my life – Jesus. I may have been rejected by people but His wholeness accepted a wretch like me and that is enough, satisfying and fulfilling. At the end of the day, even we remain faithless, He remains faithful. I will keep trusting God and His plans. 

Forgiveness is a gift

I’ve been thinking lately that somehow I felt used by some so-called “friends”. Friends who said they would stay. Friends who used to call you when they have problems and make you feel special because they tell you their darkest secrets. Friends who would text you, “Where are you?” but to my unresponsive instinct they will favorably unconsider your presence because you’ll find out that they’re with their “other” friends already.

You see, I do not have that “bunch of friends” that would stick through thick and thin but I have “few” friends who would gear up and listen attentively to all my whining unreasonable assumptions based from my own judgmental thoughts. Those were just few. Where are the others? Ayun, masayang nalilimutan ako at hinaharap ang kasalukuyan kahit wala ang presensiya ko. To be honest, I am mad. They didn’t even dare to ask how I was doing? And they would just forget all the fun memories that we had. But I won’t let my emotions, this emotion, to prevail!

“Forgiveness is a gift” my resident doctor repeatedly shared as I tell some of my insights in life. I had to go through acceptance before I go to the finished line. I had to accept that fact that these friends of mine will not call me because they are happy (which is good!) even without me. Well, I am just saying that those were the days and I am on my season of expanding my horizon and contentedly accept the fact that this is how my life goes on.

How I received forgiveness? By a genuine encounter with Christ and not with people. I saw how I can be selfish at ALL times and I look at people how they move in the pace of life selfishly. I am always reminded by the FACT that PEOPLE WILL FAIL US but God will never do the same. As I have laid my foundation to the Rock of my salvation He let me see through my whole being by giving me the full access of sonship in His Kingdom. He convinced me my true identity, worth and value. Whenever I get reminded by that I was always put in the position of surrender. Because of that I will always be forever grateful that even I only have “few” people to trust and treasure, I know that in Him I will always find security and peace.

And you asked if I have forgiven them? 100% YES. friendship are not meant to depend on each other. Sometimes there are seasons. A change of heart either to stay or let go. A friendship worth your time and sometimes an immediate action of letting go. Wherever they are, I AM HAPPY FOR THEM. As long as I live, my time, effort, and heart will be available to them but don’t abused me, I’ll know if you are using me to fill that reserved chair which apparently not meant for me. So help me God.

So, forgiveness is a gift. It is either you accept it or not.

 

I in the mirror

Hesitantly, I look at myself in the mirror. I look at that person and deep inside she’s broken and still in a healing process. I look at her with shamefully disgusted personality. I see this lady full of mysteries and secrets. However, she believes that no secrets cannot be revealed. She has support system, few but real, who will remind her identity and encourage her that we live because there is a purpose.

Indeed there is a purpose. Whenever I look back to the past, I always find myself to the lost woods or stare the endless ceiling. I somehow realize that PAST has contributed a lot of who I am today and there comes a time when I just cannot let go of it. But, yes a big BUT… We have to move on… I love new things and I am excited to explore and discover to conquer and learn about something in this new season.

Going back, how I see myself today? I am really disgusted. A lot of times when we fight for what is right or stand firm with convictions which ends up to failure. I just discovered my weakness recently hence the readon why I still fall on the same trap all over again. And it just makes me sad that whenever I am “almost” in that situation, there’s this urge of “test/challenge” but naaaaah… I say, know your weakness and never attempt to check if you have overcome it. Run away immediately from temptation. Do you get what I mean? 

We are human with limited strength and capacity. Since we are human let us not abuse that limited strength to conquer our fears or “test”. No matter what that can be, never ever stay in a place where we can be vulnerable to make mistakes.

Honestly, I do not know how to redeem myself back but God’s grace is sufficient for my weaknesses. Sometimes my thoughts tell me: “you do not deserve His grace” “you are unworthy” “you kept on saying sorry but you keep doing same old sins” and sometimes “you are not beautiful!” There’s a truth to those thoughts and that make God more visible in my life. 

I look at myself and I see a woman who doesn’t deserve all the love and precious breath in this world but someOne gave it anyway. I cannot see the fast healing but I am willing for a change and enter new season in life.

Even when it hurts

We get to a road of life where there are stumbling blocks and hindrances. Sometimes we overanalyze the situation presented to us. Sometimes we robotically accept and deny certain things which makes us feel either good or bad.

I’ve gone through tough times. Who doesn’t? Life can be unfair and overwhelmingly good. But at the top of it, we do not control certatin circumstances. We are after the outcome of our decisions and choices but maybe – sometimes the sun and moon doesn’t agree with our final says.

I am currently hurting and trying to look at things in a positive way. Just like fresh from breakup is what I’m feeling today. It has been a year since I broke up with my former boyfriend but I guess there are some issues still need to deal with.

Two weeks ago, as I grew tired of patiently waiting to reconcile the so called friendship, I decided to STOP and LET GOD. Yesterday was worst. I saw this coming even when it hurts I have to live my life as normal as I can. It has never been easy. I learned that between the two lovers, whoever had come up with the decision of “break up” it will always be a different pace on the other party involve.

I was already in the stage of moving on till yesterday happened. I guess people will always find it difficult to see since I have imprinted of who I am to them. But no matter what, I have finally making the decision of letting go, for his happiness sake and to let him know that I respect him. I hope one day, he’ll see that too.

Even when it hurts, I will still continue this life because I know there is a purpose. Even when it hurts I tried my best to pray and claim God’s promises and my identity to Him. Even when it hurts I will continue to seek God’s will over my life and not on the peoples opinions.

Despite of what is happening today, I know that God will redeem us in better situation. I know that He is still in control.

I declare peace, love, joy and forgiveness be upon the people involve in my situation. In Jesus’ name, Amen