Better not Bitter

It’s funny how men have contributed heartbreaks in my existence. They have unconsciously and consciously intended breaking my innermost being pieces by pieces. However, what is more funnier is that, all of them, whether my brother, friends, former lovers, have already been forgotten and forgiven from what they did. It was a process! Of course! It has never been easy. To get heart broken by “men” is hilariously shame excuse but we all have reasons.

I’m sharing my recent relationship with a man whom I interacted with for over 3 months and left without any explanation. Note that I cannot share the name of the person for a reason of protection. 

Whenever I try to look at our conversation, I can’t help but think how it ended mysteriously, brings me to the point of sadness. Anyway, we meet people every chapter of our lives either they stay or just be “part” of it. Nonetheless, whoever comes to our lives have imprinted in our hearts.

I do not know why he chose to disappear but it brought me to lowest point of my life and asked how was I doing? looked at myself in any angle, made mistake and somehow it was my fault. I cannot blame him for leaving me hanging since I do not have the right or wala akong papel sa buhay niya. It somehow made me feel unworthy and lonely. I had my self pity days the moment it happened. I blame myself everyday. I even looked at myself undeserving of the “best” of what they were trying to tell me. Then this hit me. 

Maybe, I was too lonely, hurting, what I thought is mine, is not yet the best from God. Maybe, since I was emotionally incapable, I grab what’s in front of me. Scared to lose what’s making me happy -therefore, I settle for less. Then it hit me, like my friend used to say who is now in heaven, 

“DO NOT SETTLE FOR LESS because You deserve THE BEST”.

The best. How? When everytime I step out, I fail? How can I deserve the best if all I think what is good will put me at the edge of the cliff? Leaving me hanging? Departing without any explanation? Mysteriously gone? Sad. Reality.  

I move forward with unanswered queries in my heart. Leaving it all just like what he did. (Mukhang forte niya yun 😅) I realized I do not need his explanation since he didn’t even try to reach out. I won’t look after him looking desperate and ask his explanation. Praying God would open the heavens for him and touch his heart and let him act like a “man”. But, just like any other woman, it would be better to hear him out lalo na may pinagsamahan naman kami. But if he is really decided to leave it that way, then let it be. Somehow I look at it for our own good. I think it’s for the best though. Kaya hinayaan ko nalang din. Kasi mukhang masaya naman narin siya. But I can’t help and think that I missed him everyday. ANYWAY!!! Haha. Enough with the drama. 

Going back, I was reminded by my few accountability friends of my “worth”. I stopped thinking on how I could get in touch with him or get an answer of my “why’s” because I remember that my worth does not come from men. And so,tumayo ulit ako, pinilit kong ibangon sarili ko sa miserableng nakaraan at patuloy paalalahanin ng halaga ko hindi sa mata ng mga tao kundi sa mata ng Maykapal.

I’m not walking this life with all the hatred in my heart just because some men chose to break it. I choose to forgive. And when I say, F O R G I V E, meaning, freedom from past, bitterness, hatred and anger towards the person including the things they did. WHOLEHEARTED. Yes, it’ll cringe a little when we see  the people who have hurt us but peace transcends. Through that it makes you a better person. Relearning isn’t bad, it will make you ask some unwanted questions but life is a battle and learning is part of it. Choose not to give up! Choose to forgive! Choose to be a better version of yourself! 

So whenever men would try to disturb or distract you, try to look back, No! Do not look back! Remember that you are now a redeemed person who has learned from the past but NEVER GOING BACK. 

You are the daughter of the Most High and your value does not come on earth. Remember that no matter how messy and ugly your past can be He binds with us. He accepts us for who we are. How about you? Have you accepted yourself and free yourself from hatred in the past? Freedom comes from forgiving ourselves. 

Feel free to share. 

Prayer Mountain 2018

Interestingly, few people have been asking me about the captured photos I posted in Instagram and Facebook during my overnight stay in Touch Of Glory Prayer Mountain, Antipolo. You have to read the whole blog, so I could give you the right track. 😅

Warning: some of the lines are “hugot” just for the sake of entertainment. 😅 It has nothing to do with my personal situation. Well, Sort of. Pero parang ganon narin. HAHA

So let’s start this by saying, it was a surreal experience! Hindi nagpahuli si Lord. This was my second time around going there by commute lang- alone. So, kung nag momove on ka or you want a quiet place, this is one of the many places you can consider to go to, kahit magisa ka lang. 

Baka maisip mo lang tanungin, how on earth did I capture that? Besh, T-I-M-E-R.

First, you have to check your heart. What is the purpose? So before you jump to any conclusions. Let me share some of my reasons.

1. Yes, I’m trying to clear my mind from stuff that I CANNOT BEAR WITH ANYMORE.

2. Yes, I’m trying to move on kahit walang dapat ika-move on. I mean, I need to move forward, para hindi ako mag stuck (SAKLAP, dba?)

3. I wanted to go there kasi accessible and convenient for me. I thought it won’t be difficult

4. I wanted to go back on track. To go back to the HEART OF WORSHIP. Soak in His presence. 

5. I have time to think. Re-think. Consider some things. Reasses my heart. 

Those are “some” personal reasons. Malalim yung hugot ko. I still have questions in my mind but I’d rather not dwell on them. Month of April has been heavy for me. I still wish it’s April Fools. Sa dami ng nangyari, I can attest that God is good. I didn’t end my stay there without hearing from the Lord. He boldly impressed to me that no matter how many times we fail, He won’t make you feel that “you are a failure” or “you failed Me again”. When I was about to leave, humabol pa si Lord ng yakap. Because of all the things that I’ve done, I face Him with unworthiness and wrecked heart, yet He would still choose to say “I have loved you with an Everlasting love…” Sarap. 

It was a heart melting experience. You know what? I was and still ready to accept the consequence. Then I was reminded by the prophecy which happened last March 7. As He reminded me of the love and the things He is about to do. I was speechless! And I sobbingly said, “I’m so sorry, Lord.” It took me a while to calm myself because at that moment it was overwhelmingly unbelievable. He assured me that NO MATTER how many times I fall, stumble, break, or even try to return to my past, HE WOULD STILL CHOOSE TO ACCEPT me and will not give up on me. Ang sarap sa pakiramdam di ba? And I prayed that I will be released from these things with the guidance of the Holy Spirit as I set my heart and mind at rest.

So the question remains. Was I able to find satisfaction with my overnight stay?

Of course I have. It’s between me and God. Actually, place has nothing to do because what I did, can do it alone at home naman din talaga. Parang you’ll find yourself wanting to detach from the world’s complexity. Far from your territory. Finally, I found myself wrapped and embraced in God’s arms. To be honest, I still have “what if’s”, I still have fears and hesitations but Deuteronomy 3:22. 

You shall not fear them, for it is the LORD your God who fights for you.’ – Deuteronomy 3:22

Change will always be a process, not instant. I trust God that by His grace, I can overcome these. So, umalis ako with a thankful heart. 

So eto na nga. Going from South, umpisahan natin sa Pacita. Kailangan may umpisa, each story has its beginning, saklap nga lang kung ending agad 😅

Pacita ➡️ Bus Terminal ➡️ ride Cubao, they must drop you off to Farmers Plaza (pero ‘wag ka papayag ng idrop ka ng basta basta. Sabihan mo silang, “sabihin” nila😅) it will cost you 75 php ➡️ malapit sa Gateway/Lrt/Jollibee, may dumadaan na Cogeo jeepneys, let them drop you to Cogeo Market (medyo malayo ‘toh. Pero may mararating ka dito. Sure ako! Sakanya ba? May pinatunguhan ba? 😂) 21 php ata. ➡️ Pagbaba mo, ‘wag ka tatawid sa intersection, BABALA: Nakamamatay so sa tamang tawiran tayo mga Besh. May footbridge, dun ka tumawid. As you step your last step from the bridge, you’ll see men shouting “PAENAAN”, ayan sila kuya pinagsisigawan yung gusto nila, eh si Kuya mo ba? 😂😅 going back. 24 php yung pagpunta dun. Pwesto ka sa magandang pwesto sa jeep,Para makapagmuni muni ka. Pagisipan mo mga ginagawa mo. 😅 ➡️ tell the driver to drop you gently and nicely to Touch Of Glory Prayer Mountain, you don’t need to ride tricycle! Teh, kinaya mo na nga yung masaklap ninyong relasyon ng ilang taon eh. yung less than 5minutes walk pa ba?! 

Note: avoid wearing shorts. Bring pants/leggings. Shorts are prohibited.

P. S. Leaving is easy from TOGM to Cogeo Market. But you have to endure the heat and waiting game for Cubao jeepneys. I’m not sure if dahil weekday ako nagpunta? Kasi anghirap ng sakayan. Sapalaran. Parang pagibi. Haha. But kidding aside, traffic was no joke at all! Yun lang. pero rest assured, makakauwi ka ng maayos. Hehe. 
Here are the updated room rates inclusive the food:

Must try:

Prayer Garden (First time ko dito. And I found my spot)

It looks dry because summer nga naman kasi hehe

You can also trek a little.

Hanapin mo ‘toh. Makikita mo kapag hinanap mo!

And as I end this, I hope it helped you somehow and encouraged you to be involve with God in every area of your life. It is my prayer that whatever you are going through right now, you’ll find security, peace and joy in Christ alone, whereever you are. Don’t give up. Kung kinaya ko at dinideal ko parin, kayang kaya mo din yan! Cheer up! ❤

In all the noise in the world, wherever you may be, in God’s loving arms, we’ll find rest. 

The Unwanted pregnancy

New Year’s eve has ended in a split second. Here we are entering to a new day in the remaining 365 days. Year 2017 has been a productive and silent year. There were things to finalize resignation letters, say goodbye to a friend, cut some ties with some unworthy relationships, given birth, mourn with a friend who loss a loved one and gain pounds in a year round.

Last week I encountered an unexpected scenario from an innocent face of a 16 years old. Please take note that what I am about to share is only for sharing purposes but the identities will remain confidential and private. I was in my night shift aura when a 16 years old came in per ambulatory accompanied by a relative with a complain of abdominal and flank pain. The first aid was given and doctor did history taking. Last menstrual period was always included in the history, the doctor asked the student if she had sexual contact and if she can remember her LMP. Gladly, she honestly and consciously answered the question in front of her relative but the LMP was still mysteriously unknown due to her irregular menstrual period. When she felt the urge to urinate she had to go to the bathroom for urinalysis until I noticed she’s been inside the comfort room for more than 10 minutes. Unknowingly, this young lady had been pregnant for more or less 5 months. She genuinely asnwered the doctor “I do not know”.

I assisted this lady more than treating her a patient. While doing the evacuation of the abortus and placenta by our resident physician, she hardly gripped my hand and pushed out the breathless creature that was created inside her womb. Unknowingly, she goes to school and a life has just been created. She laughs and drinks with her friends unaware that she has become a mom. It must have been hard for her. I honestly empathize this young lady and spoke words that may uplift her spirit.

“Everything happens for a purpose”. We may never know the reason but ultimately, there is a purpose. A purpose on which maybe we can never accept or a surprise that might giggle our feet to dance as we expectantly wait for it. There must be a reason why my 2017 has been a productive and silent year. It took me months only to realize that God is teaching me to PRIORITIZE the important areas in life. Just like the 16 year old lady who without her knowledge pregnant is the same with the event turn around in my life. I never wanted to cut ties with old friends, I am not into becoming “career woman” because I AM NOT. I also do not want to limit my time whenever I am out with my friends just because I needed to sleep early so I could regain my strength for work. I am not that woman who would regularly decrease my time with people close to my heart. However, things change for a purpose. God allows this to happen so that we could appreciate the real ones and even the small things in life. The young lady did not know that she was pregnant and continous with her routine everyday. A delicate living thing inside her and now its gone. People come and go, and from that moment, I know there are friends who are worth to share all my resentments, bitterness and madness in the world and its up to them if they will depart from me.

The unwanted pregnancy is also the same with “I would like to resign but I still need this” and also, “I am hurting but I still love him”. Nonsense right? But when we are lost, we will find the value behind all these unreasonable circumstances. And from that, I hope we find ourselves to the One who bestow us a life.