I didn’t get to blow my birthday cake

Turning 27 this year is just surreal. I can’t believe I’m already that old. It seems my age stops at 25. Anyway, my birthdays has never been extraordinary. It was just the same ordinary usual day for me. Life can be pretty complicated but I’ll end this blog with a redeemable events of story.

A part of me just felt excitement when I was waiting for 12 midnight. “I am turning 27!!!!” I said excitedly. I don’t know why. So, of course before I got to sleep, I whispered a little short prayer to God, “Thank You, Lord.”

My family greeted me with a simple “Happy birthday” and I responded with a “Thank you”. It is enough for me. But this time, I didn’t get to blow my candle because we didn’t celebrate it. I had a very busy duty at the hospital, overtime for two hours. It rained so heavily. Glad that my brother was near that place I get to go home at least. A simple dinner with siblings at Uncle Moe’s and a dessert at Lawson. Glad to spend it with them. To be honest, I am financially broke. As much as I wanted to celebrate my birthday with few true people in my life, MONEY HAS BEEN AN ISSUE. But I still have few here in my wallet so I had to treat my siblings at least.

Well, the highlight of the night, I received a call from my Dad. Where we did not have any communications ever since some unexpected events arose since this year started. But I really thank God from letting me hear his voice and letting me know that my father still cares for us.

I may not have blow a candle on my birthday but the glimpse of disguised blessings where my family can be save from unruly heartbreaks is enough for me to know that I still have such treasures.

I thank the Lord for the people He brought into my life. People who chose to stay despite of all the things that happened. True friends who rather accept my flaws than see the aching pretentious smile. Thank You, Lord for anoher year. I am expectant and excited to what lies ahead of me.

If only you’re here now

I could think a lot of reason why your presence isn’t beside me. I can understand the “why’s” and “because’s” of fate in the midst of our most awaited “forever”. Maybe, just maybe, I can’t be ready this time. Or maybe, you cannot grasp the huge responsibility in a commitment. 

Commitment. I could sigh all the time and express through my breath the desperation to be in a relationship. Though I am caught in between the wanting and the thought to be in that position. 

Let us take this moment and set apart the thought of us not being together. And let me just take this instant to write a momentary letter to the future spouse.

If only you’re here, I would express how grateful I am to have you here by my side. If only you’re here, I would express my love to you and tell you each day how much I’ve missed you during your working hours. If only you’re here, I would like to embrace you as strong as I can be. If only you’re here, I would tell you each day, how proud I am to be yours. If only you’re here, I will do my best waking up in the morning, prepare your coffee and breakfast. If only you’re here, I would love to pray with you wherever we are.  If only you are here. Yet, time can only tell how our story unfolds. And I trust the One who holds the clock. I trust the One who holds the pen of our book because nothing goes wrong when everything is surrendered in His care.

I can be selfish at this period of time but believe that I am patiently waiting and praying for you. These words may have been redundant to a single woman like me but these are true. Eventually, it is about trusting the One who is in control of our lives. So long, my Love. 

This ends my letter to someone I haven’t met but Loved for so long. I hope when the time is right I’ll be able to show this. 

I in the mirror

Hesitantly, I look at myself in the mirror. I look at that person and deep inside she’s broken and still in a healing process. I look at her with shamefully disgusted personality. I see this lady full of mysteries and secrets. However, she believes that no secrets cannot be revealed. She has support system, few but real, who will remind her identity and encourage her that we live because there is a purpose.

Indeed there is a purpose. Whenever I look back to the past, I always find myself to the lost woods or stare the endless ceiling. I somehow realize that PAST has contributed a lot of who I am today and there comes a time when I just cannot let go of it. But, yes a big BUT… We have to move on… I love new things and I am excited to explore and discover to conquer and learn about something in this new season.

Going back, how I see myself today? I am really disgusted. A lot of times when we fight for what is right or stand firm with convictions which ends up to failure. I just discovered my weakness recently hence the readon why I still fall on the same trap all over again. And it just makes me sad that whenever I am “almost” in that situation, there’s this urge of “test/challenge” but naaaaah… I say, know your weakness and never attempt to check if you have overcome it. Run away immediately from temptation. Do you get what I mean? 

We are human with limited strength and capacity. Since we are human let us not abuse that limited strength to conquer our fears or “test”. No matter what that can be, never ever stay in a place where we can be vulnerable to make mistakes.

Honestly, I do not know how to redeem myself back but God’s grace is sufficient for my weaknesses. Sometimes my thoughts tell me: “you do not deserve His grace” “you are unworthy” “you kept on saying sorry but you keep doing same old sins” and sometimes “you are not beautiful!” There’s a truth to those thoughts and that make God more visible in my life. 

I look at myself and I see a woman who doesn’t deserve all the love and precious breath in this world but someOne gave it anyway. I cannot see the fast healing but I am willing for a change and enter new season in life.

My hiding place

 

 I remember when I was only in elementary, one of my favorite game was hide and seek. I used every effort and energy to hide myself from the seeker because we were only given 10 to 20 seconds (depending on set of counts) to hide and if you were caught first, you’ll be the next one to find them. Well, that’s how the hide and seek mechanics goes. I enjoyed hiding but sometimes when the seeker takes time looking out for you, sometimes it gets boring or frustrating (depende kung saan ka nagtatago, baka sa Cabinet, eh di pinagpawisan ka na sa kakaantay sakanya mahanap ka lang niya.) But we have to choose our hiding place.

Psalm 119:114 “You are my hiding place and my shield; I hope in Your word.”

I just want to share this verse where in the midst of catastrophe of my life, I found my hiding place. It is so amazing that through that storm, it helped me see how I should go back from the start. Where I get my real strength. I didn’t know that I was already on the edge of falling from the cliff. All this time I thought I was still on that same road walking with the same feet. Little did I know I was already letting go. Little did I know I was hurting the One who loved me first. Little did I know, I was creating walls between us. Little did I know, I was trying to listen but I was blinded by earthly things that temporarily satisfied me and ignores the voice. Then came the storm, I thought I was on the same ground but again little did I know I was already tossed by strong wind and heavy waves of the ocean. Until I saw someone calmly walking in the water, while I was hit and tossed by the strong waves of the ocean, I saw Him walking towards me, reaching out His hand. Without second thoughts, I reached out my hand and He carried me all the way and calmed the storm.

As He was carrying me, I hid into His chest and embraced Him so tight that I don’t want to let go. I just want to be in His arms. I found my Shield. I found my hiding place. Jesus is my Shield and my Hiding place. He didn’t leave me behind, He didn’t let go of me, He was there all throughout my stormy journey. I was deafened and blinded by temporary things here on earth. I was hiding from Him, it took time when I was already enjoying hiding from His plans but thankful that He finally found me. He didn’t stop looking after me, even I came to the point of giving up. Giving up in faith. Giving up in hope. Giving up in trusting people. I got tired. Exhausted. But you know what storm taught me? There’s always rainbow after the rain. That’s a covenant from God. That’s a promise coming from a Sovereign God.

It was really dark. Darkness with anger, hatred, bitterness and even unforgiveness. Blinded by what the world can give and deafened by human promises. Until I cannot hear God’s whisper. As I type these words, I am in tears of joy that God picked me up from pieces. He made me whole again. He gave me peace. Peace that I cannot get from any person or a thing. Peace that secures my future. Peace that gives me hope. Peace that brings joy to my heart. Peace that gives assurance that I can do better this time. Peace that I will never walk this journey alone. Indeed, Jesus is the prince of peace.

John 14: 27 “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.”

I am really thankful for what really happened because it helped me go back to my source of Strength and Joy. God uses situations that we thought we cannot handle, but God believes that through that circumstance He will prove Himself that He is Lord. And yes, He is. I can always hide from Him, take things for granted or get used to what I have, but one thing I’m sure of that what was already built will never be shaken because I believe that I have a strong foundation and that is my faith in Christ. He will always be my hiding place and my shield. I put my hope in Him.

Painful but rewarding

It’s been three days since I decided to go out from social media specifically Facebook. Ang daming tumatakbo sa isipan ko for the past weeks. Sometimes I can’t sleep because of too many things running through my mind. Pumapasok ako sa trabaho minsan tulala at minsan nagiisip while doing my task. But within that three days, I grabbed it as an opportunity to talk and ask God’s revelation sa pinagdadaanan ko. I didn’t force my will to happen, I carefully waited and enjoyed the moments with the Lord. I thank God for being faithful and not leaving me in my craziest and wildest moments of my life. True that He never leaves nor forsake His children (Hebrews 13:5)

Within that span of three days or two and half days, no one knows my situation. Nobody dared to ask me how I was. I didn’t open up to people because I thought I might just give them additional burden. I waited patiently. Until first night, I cried it out loud to God, I was weeping and mourning. But He continuously assured me that I am loved by the most high. He designed me just as He desired it. Couldn’t let go of the pain I was going through. People close to my heart were all (at that time when I needed the most) busy but thankful because it helped me go to God. Sometimes we usually go to people to express our feelings knowingly someone better is waiting for us to share our deepest hurts and cries of our hearts.

Every night before I go to sleep wishing something miracle could happen, It just ended up a disappointment. Instead of doing the usual things, For the second time, I let it all out to God. I let Him move and listen to what He wants me to hear. After that evening, medyo nabawasan na yung bigat na nararamdaman ko. Nung nabawasan na, naisipan ko ng to share it with a friend and thankful she was available. And while spending time with her, something unexpected happen that made me smile for that day. Praising God with all my might to put back smile on my face. I thought its the end but God made me realize a lot of things. But of course the doubts and bitterness (honestly speaking) nandun parin yun, hindi naman agad agad mawawala kasi ang daming tanong na tumatakbo sa isipan ko kahit pa nangyari yung isang bagay na nakapagpangiti sakin. I’ve resolved to entrust everything to God because He knows best.

I learned the hard way. Painful but rewarding. I learned to appreciate the smallest and simplest things here on earth. I learned to wait patiently. I learned to avoid expectations and demands. I learned that communication and goals in life are still very important. Since I am a princess of God therefore I deserve the best. I learned that I should not be treated undeservingly. Ang dami kong narealize. And one more thing that made my three days out from social media is I learned to cling more to God even in the most difficult and painful part of my life. His grace indeed abounds to His children.

And God is able to make all grace overflow to you so that because you have enough of everything in every way at all times, you will overflow in every good work. 2 Corinthians 9:8

It is all about trust

I grew up earning people’s trust. Not because I did something wrong. Maybe because my mind is preoccupied by my assumptions. Which technically, shouldn’t be that way. I grew up becoming a worrier from health issues down to finances. As a graduate in a medical field with enough knowledge, with just simple cough and colds, Sometimes I over react and assumed that it may go to tuberculosis! Hilarious isn’t it? (But tell me nurses, you were also that O.A) Anyway this blog will go about how I overcome from being a worrier.

I learned the hard way. Honestly, it wasn’t the most exciting lesson. But my character and personality was build. Trust means letting go and waiting. It takes a lot of patience to earn their trust. It took me years to let them trust me or trust them. I didn’t force them anymore. I did my part and I stopped.

I love my family most especially my siblings. I’ve been their guardian for more than five years since my parents work abroad. I’ve witnessed their growth, their ups and downs, their issues in life and their health concerns. When my siblings get sick, I really get panic or anxious! Literally get crazy! Then Here comes the financial problems, since I was just a student back then, I don’t know where to get instant money. I don’t know how to pay the bills back then. And all of that has been running through my mind. I know you all know that problems or conflicts are really part of life.

My story doesn’t end there. The trust issues begins when the conflict rises. I prayed so hard, I wept and wept till God heard me. I didn’t give up and He doesn’t ignore me. I trusted God from finance to healing. I know that my God saves and provides. It took me years to remove that fears and becoming a worrier. He restored me by assuring me through His word.

“7 “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you; I do not give it to you as the world does. Do not let your hearts be distressed or lacking in courage” John 14:27

It still took me years to overcome the fears. It wasn’t easy. I lost friends because of my insecurities and misassumptions. But again since I put my trust to God and He has always been my refuge, He saved my relationships.

“And God is able to make all grace overflow to you so that because you have enough of everything in every way at all times, you will overflow in every good work.” 2 Corinthians 9:8

His grace made it all possible for me to earn their trust again and for me to put trust on people. .it wasn’t easy. I was scared on building new relationships but God assured me that He will move and work in their lives. I cannot but He can. Its all up to God if this relationship will stay or not. But God knows my heart’s desire. I know He will not let any enemy destroy my relationships. He holds everything. And even my relationships belongs to Him and I know as much as He loves me, He also loves the people close to my heart. ❤️ I hope that let’s not allow the enemy to rule over our mind and conquer over our thoughts. I hope that this article would be a great help of to whom we should really put our trust and that is in Jesus Christ.

High Standards

I am the eldest in the family among four siblings. I am surrounded by older people with old fashioned knowledge. I always love to ask for counsel whenever I get confuse or can’t make up my mind. I go to them and ask for their help and guide. Eventually growing up, leaders I’ve encountered adapted the common reminder “Do not settle for less.” And so I made my standards on my own.

I am not going to deny that my standards were so high, that it came to the point I announce them publicly. Just last night I have realized the point why you have to keep your standards high. Here are some few reasons why you, ladies, have to keep it high:

1. First and foremost- You DESERVE THE BEST. Just like the same reminder I mentioned above, “DO NOT EVER SETTLE FOR LESS.”
2. It keeps me on track. Whenever I am on a tempting situation, like you’ll meet some man who is so close to the qualities you’ve listed, I’ll always go back to my journal and be reminded of them.
3. It protects me. It protects me from giving in to something that I don’t deserve and from desperation.

Those were just some of the few reasons why you have to keep your standards high. But don’t let your standards/ qualities be the main focus. Seek God and let Him lead you to the specific qualities you have to pray for. Actually, our standards may change, and eventually God will still bring that someone who can’t meet your standard. He’ll just touch your heart and be prepared for some reason. Just list down the qualities and lay it all down before God. But don’t let it preoccupy you. The most satisfying relationship is still with Jesus, no one else and no other name. Believe me, I know!

Abba Father

“how great is your love for me
that you gave up your son for me
now i am alive and free
father i love you
father i love you

your love made a way for me
into me you see
you love every part of me
father you love me
father you love me

oh, the love of my father
is deeper than any love i know
oh, the grace that he shows me
his love overwhelming
this i know
the love of my father
the love of my father
the love of my father
the love of my father

abba father
your love is never-ending
there’s no other love like yours
in your presence
my heart is overflowing
father i am yours”

This song drives me to worship God. Not only because I love the rhythm and music itself but rather, the lyrics describes the perfect personality of the Almighty God. While listening to this song, I stood up and put my feet to dance. Such an awesome time with the One.

I have resolved to surrender everything to God. That before anything else, He should always be my FIRST. I should always seek His wisdom. Hear His still small voice. Obey what He says. Response like Jesus and most espescially to love even certain circumstances are unloving just like what Jesus did.

Each day has its different story, either fun-filled or blue day. But whatever the situation is, I must always decrease. It is not about me. The glory does not belong to me. Its not about the person who will receive or hear your response. But rather it is for Jesus’ glory. Less of me and more of Him. It is really funny that we get tired of our repititive unresolved problems but what’s funnier is that at the end of it, sorrow turns to joy because we learned that each problems has its own solutions.

What we usually do when we are in trouble we sometimes kneel down,put our hands together, wipe the tears from our eyes, go to some quiet place, scream out loud what’s holding you inside and reflect. These are just some ways how we contemplate our complicated life. Life is pretty boring without challenges. We may get tired but I believe that God won’t give us situations that we cannot handle. He believes in us and He hopes that we also believe in His mighty power.

I am just in awe how He surprisingly meet all of my needs in an inexplicable ways. I just can’t contain the joy He gave me. This joy is just really an overflow of His everlasting love for me. And I am forever grateful for His grace and trusting me with His treasures here on earth. ❤️

True that it is all about Jesus. My desire for this year not only to have a deeper relationship with Jesus but also respond with love and peace just like Jesus. 💕

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. “John 14:27

“to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all who mourn; “Isaiah 61:2

“and might reconcile us both to God in one body through the cross, thereby killing the hostility. “Ephesians 2:16

Cleared water

Its New Year, 2015, how fast can it be? Its been a long time since I blogged. A lot of things changed. Some things were added and lost. Can’t describe how grateful I am to enjoy and taste the bittersweet moments of my 2014. God has been really faithful and awesome. His grace made me to the final day of 2014. It was really all about Him.

I would like to share my top 10 highlights of my 2014:

1. I resigned from my previous work – I had my blog about it regarding how thankful and pleased I was to be with great mentors/seniors. And it took me a year to let go of them before I said goodbye.

2. Had a short experience at Operating Room as a volunteer nurse– before I resigned, I desired to be rotated to other area for the sake of “experience” since I have plans of leaving already. Thank God! I was able to enjoy few major cases.

3. I learned how to bake! – cookies are my favorite! Tested and tried from an oven toaster, my cookies are always sold out! My siblings loved them…

4. Got new friends– absolutely to be treasured for a lifetime! Young? Yes! But everytime I’m with them, I always learn and laughter never ends by their superb humors! Oh! Boys!

5. Answered prayer: iPhone! Woohooo! Said goodbye to Blackberry, and now I’m an Apple user!

6. Took some risk from job hunting– tried to pass my resumès to the nearest hospital here at our place. Able to be interviewed and took their exam. Unfortunately, didn’t get any call from them anymore…. But its alright, because of that, I wouldn’t experience …. The number

7. I was hired as an information clerk at San Pedro Doctor’s Hospital– part time job while I was an OR volunteer nurse. Praise God for provision and preparation. Learned how to give calls and accounts to the recipients.

8. When I resigned at SPDH, I was hired as a company nurse at Cardinal Santos Medical Center for assigned at Meralco Sucat/Alabang sector– answered prayer again! 3 months trainee, was evaluated then another 6 months under probationary. At least with salary and light duties. I also saw the real big difference from being a company nurse to hospital staff nurse.

9. God heard my heart’s desire– A man courageously laid down his interests on me last year on July 29’th 2014 outside Starbucks. Then as we agreed to put label on our relationship, God has given me additional blessing “LOVELIFE” on August 31st 2014 ❤️

10. New Year’s Eve– My siblings and I got a chance of spending our New Year’s eve with my boyfriend’s family place. Great evening with laughter and a movie night! So blessed to have spent the New Year with them.

Ready to enjoy what God has planned for this year. So there you go! My highlights for 2014. Looking forward to my 2015 be exciting and full of love. How about yours? What are your top 10 highlights of 2014? 😁

La Virginia Resort, Batangas

2014 san Pedro Doctor’s Hospital Anniversary held at La Virginia’s Resort, Batangas from May 6-7, 2014
Glad that the employed staff invited us (volunteers) to enjoy the companionship of our Seniors and Junior staff. Here’s my 10 notes regarding my experience 🙂

1. We arrived at La Virginia at most probably around 9:30am? I’m not sure but it was a bit early. We fixed our things, looked for our beds space. Retouched.

2. As we arrive to the place, the place was really like under the mountain. The road was on its peak and very high, difficult to walk up, but the view was really a speechless moment for me. I was so excited. I’d rather go to the beach than go to the pool (my mind says). As I went down from the van, I even had deep craving for white-sand beaches…

3. Of course before eating, our senior staffs gave us time to enjoy the sight and spend time productively with workmates. Picture here, picture there. NONSTOP!

4. There were so many places to go, because the resort is so big! First spot is the Gorilla. Amazing Sculpture, inspired by the movie King Kong I suppose?

5. We also went to the small hanging bridge, scared each other from falling. But it did not stop us from taking pictures.

6. Solo pictures became group pictures, not one matinong solo picture given…

7. There’s also a Huge Buddha. The rad tech took picture next to small buddha because he looks just the same with them.

8. A castle built near the entrance, very cute, we didn’t go inside but the place is sure! there’s also an imitated white sand beach with fake helicopters under water. Plus the famous super heroes of this generation. I took photo with Captain America, since there’s no Superman, in substitute.

9. Swam our hearts out. Ate delicious foods. Played games. Had so much fun with great awesome workmates!

10. More than the delicious foods, beautiful place, competitive games, what even made me happy was being with awesome people who are willing to be part of my life.

We work professionally, but beyond work, there’s a strong bond within us. I am thankful to be part of this family. And thank You Lord for this blessing and experience! 🙂 I know that this is part of Your plans. You know me that much that You give the desires of my heart. 🙂 #thankful and #grateful 🙂