Better not Bitter

It’s funny how men have contributed heartbreaks in my existence. They have unconsciously and consciously intended breaking my innermost being pieces by pieces. However, what is more funnier is that, all of them, whether my brother, friends, former lovers, have already been forgotten and forgiven from what they did. It was a process! Of course! It has never been easy. To get heart broken by “men” is hilariously shame excuse but we all have reasons.

I’m sharing my recent relationship with a man whom I interacted with for over 3 months and left without any explanation. Note that I cannot share the name of the person for a reason of protection. 

Whenever I try to look at our conversation, I can’t help but think how it ended mysteriously, brings me to the point of sadness. Anyway, we meet people every chapter of our lives either they stay or just be “part” of it. Nonetheless, whoever comes to our lives have imprinted in our hearts.

I do not know why he chose to disappear but it brought me to lowest point of my life and asked how was I doing? looked at myself in any angle, made mistake and somehow it was my fault. I cannot blame him for leaving me hanging since I do not have the right or wala akong papel sa buhay niya. It somehow made me feel unworthy and lonely. I had my self pity days the moment it happened. I blame myself everyday. I even looked at myself undeserving of the “best” of what they were trying to tell me. Then this hit me. 

Maybe, I was too lonely, hurting, what I thought is mine, is not yet the best from God. Maybe, since I was emotionally incapable, I grab what’s in front of me. Scared to lose what’s making me happy -therefore, I settle for less. Then it hit me, like my friend used to say who is now in heaven, 

“DO NOT SETTLE FOR LESS because You deserve THE BEST”.

The best. How? When everytime I step out, I fail? How can I deserve the best if all I think what is good will put me at the edge of the cliff? Leaving me hanging? Departing without any explanation? Mysteriously gone? Sad. Reality.  

I move forward with unanswered queries in my heart. Leaving it all just like what he did. (Mukhang forte niya yun 😅) I realized I do not need his explanation since he didn’t even try to reach out. I won’t look after him looking desperate and ask his explanation. Praying God would open the heavens for him and touch his heart and let him act like a “man”. But, just like any other woman, it would be better to hear him out lalo na may pinagsamahan naman kami. But if he is really decided to leave it that way, then let it be. Somehow I look at it for our own good. I think it’s for the best though. Kaya hinayaan ko nalang din. Kasi mukhang masaya naman narin siya. But I can’t help and think that I missed him everyday. ANYWAY!!! Haha. Enough with the drama. 

Going back, I was reminded by my few accountability friends of my “worth”. I stopped thinking on how I could get in touch with him or get an answer of my “why’s” because I remember that my worth does not come from men. And so,tumayo ulit ako, pinilit kong ibangon sarili ko sa miserableng nakaraan at patuloy paalalahanin ng halaga ko hindi sa mata ng mga tao kundi sa mata ng Maykapal.

I’m not walking this life with all the hatred in my heart just because some men chose to break it. I choose to forgive. And when I say, F O R G I V E, meaning, freedom from past, bitterness, hatred and anger towards the person including the things they did. WHOLEHEARTED. Yes, it’ll cringe a little when we see  the people who have hurt us but peace transcends. Through that it makes you a better person. Relearning isn’t bad, it will make you ask some unwanted questions but life is a battle and learning is part of it. Choose not to give up! Choose to forgive! Choose to be a better version of yourself! 

So whenever men would try to disturb or distract you, try to look back, No! Do not look back! Remember that you are now a redeemed person who has learned from the past but NEVER GOING BACK. 

You are the daughter of the Most High and your value does not come on earth. Remember that no matter how messy and ugly your past can be He binds with us. He accepts us for who we are. How about you? Have you accepted yourself and free yourself from hatred in the past? Freedom comes from forgiving ourselves. 

Feel free to share. 

Prayer Mountain 2018

Interestingly, few people have been asking me about the captured photos I posted in Instagram and Facebook during my overnight stay in Touch Of Glory Prayer Mountain, Antipolo. You have to read the whole blog, so I could give you the right track. 😅

Warning: some of the lines are “hugot” just for the sake of entertainment. 😅 It has nothing to do with my personal situation. Well, Sort of. Pero parang ganon narin. HAHA

So let’s start this by saying, it was a surreal experience! Hindi nagpahuli si Lord. This was my second time around going there by commute lang- alone. So, kung nag momove on ka or you want a quiet place, this is one of the many places you can consider to go to, kahit magisa ka lang. 

Baka maisip mo lang tanungin, how on earth did I capture that? Besh, T-I-M-E-R.

First, you have to check your heart. What is the purpose? So before you jump to any conclusions. Let me share some of my reasons.

1. Yes, I’m trying to clear my mind from stuff that I CANNOT BEAR WITH ANYMORE.

2. Yes, I’m trying to move on kahit walang dapat ika-move on. I mean, I need to move forward, para hindi ako mag stuck (SAKLAP, dba?)

3. I wanted to go there kasi accessible and convenient for me. I thought it won’t be difficult

4. I wanted to go back on track. To go back to the HEART OF WORSHIP. Soak in His presence. 

5. I have time to think. Re-think. Consider some things. Reasses my heart. 

Those are “some” personal reasons. Malalim yung hugot ko. I still have questions in my mind but I’d rather not dwell on them. Month of April has been heavy for me. I still wish it’s April Fools. Sa dami ng nangyari, I can attest that God is good. I didn’t end my stay there without hearing from the Lord. He boldly impressed to me that no matter how many times we fail, He won’t make you feel that “you are a failure” or “you failed Me again”. When I was about to leave, humabol pa si Lord ng yakap. Because of all the things that I’ve done, I face Him with unworthiness and wrecked heart, yet He would still choose to say “I have loved you with an Everlasting love…” Sarap. 

It was a heart melting experience. You know what? I was and still ready to accept the consequence. Then I was reminded by the prophecy which happened last March 7. As He reminded me of the love and the things He is about to do. I was speechless! And I sobbingly said, “I’m so sorry, Lord.” It took me a while to calm myself because at that moment it was overwhelmingly unbelievable. He assured me that NO MATTER how many times I fall, stumble, break, or even try to return to my past, HE WOULD STILL CHOOSE TO ACCEPT me and will not give up on me. Ang sarap sa pakiramdam di ba? And I prayed that I will be released from these things with the guidance of the Holy Spirit as I set my heart and mind at rest.

So the question remains. Was I able to find satisfaction with my overnight stay?

Of course I have. It’s between me and God. Actually, place has nothing to do because what I did, can do it alone at home naman din talaga. Parang you’ll find yourself wanting to detach from the world’s complexity. Far from your territory. Finally, I found myself wrapped and embraced in God’s arms. To be honest, I still have “what if’s”, I still have fears and hesitations but Deuteronomy 3:22. 

You shall not fear them, for it is the LORD your God who fights for you.’ – Deuteronomy 3:22

Change will always be a process, not instant. I trust God that by His grace, I can overcome these. So, umalis ako with a thankful heart. 

So eto na nga. Going from South, umpisahan natin sa Pacita. Kailangan may umpisa, each story has its beginning, saklap nga lang kung ending agad 😅

Pacita ➡️ Bus Terminal ➡️ ride Cubao, they must drop you off to Farmers Plaza (pero ‘wag ka papayag ng idrop ka ng basta basta. Sabihan mo silang, “sabihin” nila😅) it will cost you 75 php ➡️ malapit sa Gateway/Lrt/Jollibee, may dumadaan na Cogeo jeepneys, let them drop you to Cogeo Market (medyo malayo ‘toh. Pero may mararating ka dito. Sure ako! Sakanya ba? May pinatunguhan ba? 😂) 21 php ata. ➡️ Pagbaba mo, ‘wag ka tatawid sa intersection, BABALA: Nakamamatay so sa tamang tawiran tayo mga Besh. May footbridge, dun ka tumawid. As you step your last step from the bridge, you’ll see men shouting “PAENAAN”, ayan sila kuya pinagsisigawan yung gusto nila, eh si Kuya mo ba? 😂😅 going back. 24 php yung pagpunta dun. Pwesto ka sa magandang pwesto sa jeep,Para makapagmuni muni ka. Pagisipan mo mga ginagawa mo. 😅 ➡️ tell the driver to drop you gently and nicely to Touch Of Glory Prayer Mountain, you don’t need to ride tricycle! Teh, kinaya mo na nga yung masaklap ninyong relasyon ng ilang taon eh. yung less than 5minutes walk pa ba?! 

Note: avoid wearing shorts. Bring pants/leggings. Shorts are prohibited.

P. S. Leaving is easy from TOGM to Cogeo Market. But you have to endure the heat and waiting game for Cubao jeepneys. I’m not sure if dahil weekday ako nagpunta? Kasi anghirap ng sakayan. Sapalaran. Parang pagibi. Haha. But kidding aside, traffic was no joke at all! Yun lang. pero rest assured, makakauwi ka ng maayos. Hehe. 
Here are the updated room rates inclusive the food:

Must try:

Prayer Garden (First time ko dito. And I found my spot)

It looks dry because summer nga naman kasi hehe

You can also trek a little.

Hanapin mo ‘toh. Makikita mo kapag hinanap mo!

And as I end this, I hope it helped you somehow and encouraged you to be involve with God in every area of your life. It is my prayer that whatever you are going through right now, you’ll find security, peace and joy in Christ alone, whereever you are. Don’t give up. Kung kinaya ko at dinideal ko parin, kayang kaya mo din yan! Cheer up! ❤

In all the noise in the world, wherever you may be, in God’s loving arms, we’ll find rest. 

Sa pagantay, tayong dalawa

Sabi nila “kapag may tyaga may nilaga”, sabi nila, iba iba ang oras ng isa’t isa, ngunit tila, paputi na ang uwak, palubog na ang buwan,
Naririto, nalilito, pilit na puso, tila naiinip, Natagpuan ang sarili, bahagyang ngumiti,
sa aking sagot na tila walang pawang katotohanan.
Siya, Siya ang aking inspirasyon. Siya na hindi ko maisambit kung nariyan na ba o maaring parating palang,

Siya na alam kong nagiipon ng lakas, Siya na hangga’t sa makakaya, lubusan akong kinikilala, Siya na nagtitiyagang magipon para sa kinabukasan,

Siya na maaring pagod sa takbo ng buhay , patuloy din ang laban, Siya na kung nasaan man ngayon nais ko iparating, ako’y maghihintay kahit ang puso ay nalulumbay,

Sa panahon ngayon, Ikaw ang tanging kasiguraduhan, Sa magulong kasalukuyan, Ako’y patuloy na lalaban kasama ng pananampalataya,
Sa paglikom ng lakas, kay Bathala walang kupas, Tiwala sa Maykapal, ang silbing sandata sa unos ng buhay,

Aking tanging dasal, ika’y ‘wag magsasawa,sa pagbahagi ng iyong kakayanan para sa kalhuwalhatian ng Maykapal,

Sabik ako ibahagi ang kabutihan ng Diyos, sa Kanyang pag gabay mula noon hanggang ngayon,

Buhay na palarong palaisipan, Hugot ng lakas, higop ng pagasa, sa Maykapal ay sapat,

Kasama ka sa araw’t gabi kong panalangin, nawa’y ang pagsuko ay hindi solusyon sa magulong damdamin,

Sa aking pagdarasal, balang araw, sabay natin pasasalamatan ang Maykapal sa mga nalagpasang pinagdaanan… Ako’y patuloy maghihinntay sa oras na inilaan, hindi mapapagod, hindi hahayaang mabigo, sabay natin tatahakin ang agos ng buhay… tayong dalawa, kasama ang Diyos, balang araw…

 

 

#vscocam #nofilter #iphone #followforfollow #sunset #sunday #love #inspiration #life #photography #photoshoot #photograph #poet #poetry #spokenword #filipino

If only you’re here now

I could think a lot of reason why your presence isn’t beside me. I can understand the “why’s” and “because’s” of fate in the midst of our most awaited “forever”. Maybe, just maybe, I can’t be ready this time. Or maybe, you cannot grasp the huge responsibility in a commitment. 

Commitment. I could sigh all the time and express through my breath the desperation to be in a relationship. Though I am caught in between the wanting and the thought to be in that position. 

Let us take this moment and set apart the thought of us not being together. And let me just take this instant to write a momentary letter to the future spouse.

If only you’re here, I would express how grateful I am to have you here by my side. If only you’re here, I would express my love to you and tell you each day how much I’ve missed you during your working hours. If only you’re here, I would like to embrace you as strong as I can be. If only you’re here, I would tell you each day, how proud I am to be yours. If only you’re here, I will do my best waking up in the morning, prepare your coffee and breakfast. If only you’re here, I would love to pray with you wherever we are.  If only you are here. Yet, time can only tell how our story unfolds. And I trust the One who holds the clock. I trust the One who holds the pen of our book because nothing goes wrong when everything is surrendered in His care.

I can be selfish at this period of time but believe that I am patiently waiting and praying for you. These words may have been redundant to a single woman like me but these are true. Eventually, it is about trusting the One who is in control of our lives. So long, my Love. 

This ends my letter to someone I haven’t met but Loved for so long. I hope when the time is right I’ll be able to show this. 

Hanggang sa muli

May “tayo” kahapon, Sa aking pagmulat, “ako” na lang ngayon,  Sa mga araw na nakalipas, Umasang ika’y magbabalik,

Puso hinayaan isara, Nasaktan at binalewala, Akala’y katapusan, Ngunit pagasa ay nariyan,

Maraming katanungan, subalit napagtanto sagot ay hindi daan sa kapayapaan,
Muling binuksan ang pusong namamayapa,Para sa ngalan ng pagibig, Minahal ang sarili,

Hindi inakala na darating ang araw,Sapagkat bawat gabi sigaw ng puso, luha lamang ang katahimikan,
Pusong napagod, muling bumangon, Mula sa pinanggalingan, hindi nalimutan,
Sa pagtanggap, nakapagpatawad. Sa pagpapatawad, alalay ang kapayapaan.

Salamat sa muling pagayon sa aking puso, salamat sa aking pagpulot mula sa kapahamakan, salamat sa pagakay sa mabigat na pinagdaanan…

Hindi Mo ko iniwan, puso Mong tapat ang nagbigay liwanag, sa aking madilim na nakaraan,

masalimuot na nakaraan ay tinapos man, sa aking pagbangon, bagong kwento ang inaasam.

Kung kahapon ay ibabalik, buong pagkatao mo’y aking buong pusong tatanggapin,
kung hindi man pinalad, masaya kong tatahakin ang tadhanang inilaan, Hanggang sa muli

#sunset #poet #art #mountain #hike #sillouette #masasabeach #gulugodbaboy #poem #love #vscocam #photo #picture #tagalog #literary #feature #beach #philippines

I in the mirror

Hesitantly, I look at myself in the mirror. I look at that person and deep inside she’s broken and still in a healing process. I look at her with shamefully disgusted personality. I see this lady full of mysteries and secrets. However, she believes that no secrets cannot be revealed. She has support system, few but real, who will remind her identity and encourage her that we live because there is a purpose.

Indeed there is a purpose. Whenever I look back to the past, I always find myself to the lost woods or stare the endless ceiling. I somehow realize that PAST has contributed a lot of who I am today and there comes a time when I just cannot let go of it. But, yes a big BUT… We have to move on… I love new things and I am excited to explore and discover to conquer and learn about something in this new season.

Going back, how I see myself today? I am really disgusted. A lot of times when we fight for what is right or stand firm with convictions which ends up to failure. I just discovered my weakness recently hence the readon why I still fall on the same trap all over again. And it just makes me sad that whenever I am “almost” in that situation, there’s this urge of “test/challenge” but naaaaah… I say, know your weakness and never attempt to check if you have overcome it. Run away immediately from temptation. Do you get what I mean? 

We are human with limited strength and capacity. Since we are human let us not abuse that limited strength to conquer our fears or “test”. No matter what that can be, never ever stay in a place where we can be vulnerable to make mistakes.

Honestly, I do not know how to redeem myself back but God’s grace is sufficient for my weaknesses. Sometimes my thoughts tell me: “you do not deserve His grace” “you are unworthy” “you kept on saying sorry but you keep doing same old sins” and sometimes “you are not beautiful!” There’s a truth to those thoughts and that make God more visible in my life. 

I look at myself and I see a woman who doesn’t deserve all the love and precious breath in this world but someOne gave it anyway. I cannot see the fast healing but I am willing for a change and enter new season in life.

Painful but rewarding

It’s been three days since I decided to go out from social media specifically Facebook. Ang daming tumatakbo sa isipan ko for the past weeks. Sometimes I can’t sleep because of too many things running through my mind. Pumapasok ako sa trabaho minsan tulala at minsan nagiisip while doing my task. But within that three days, I grabbed it as an opportunity to talk and ask God’s revelation sa pinagdadaanan ko. I didn’t force my will to happen, I carefully waited and enjoyed the moments with the Lord. I thank God for being faithful and not leaving me in my craziest and wildest moments of my life. True that He never leaves nor forsake His children (Hebrews 13:5)

Within that span of three days or two and half days, no one knows my situation. Nobody dared to ask me how I was. I didn’t open up to people because I thought I might just give them additional burden. I waited patiently. Until first night, I cried it out loud to God, I was weeping and mourning. But He continuously assured me that I am loved by the most high. He designed me just as He desired it. Couldn’t let go of the pain I was going through. People close to my heart were all (at that time when I needed the most) busy but thankful because it helped me go to God. Sometimes we usually go to people to express our feelings knowingly someone better is waiting for us to share our deepest hurts and cries of our hearts.

Every night before I go to sleep wishing something miracle could happen, It just ended up a disappointment. Instead of doing the usual things, For the second time, I let it all out to God. I let Him move and listen to what He wants me to hear. After that evening, medyo nabawasan na yung bigat na nararamdaman ko. Nung nabawasan na, naisipan ko ng to share it with a friend and thankful she was available. And while spending time with her, something unexpected happen that made me smile for that day. Praising God with all my might to put back smile on my face. I thought its the end but God made me realize a lot of things. But of course the doubts and bitterness (honestly speaking) nandun parin yun, hindi naman agad agad mawawala kasi ang daming tanong na tumatakbo sa isipan ko kahit pa nangyari yung isang bagay na nakapagpangiti sakin. I’ve resolved to entrust everything to God because He knows best.

I learned the hard way. Painful but rewarding. I learned to appreciate the smallest and simplest things here on earth. I learned to wait patiently. I learned to avoid expectations and demands. I learned that communication and goals in life are still very important. Since I am a princess of God therefore I deserve the best. I learned that I should not be treated undeservingly. Ang dami kong narealize. And one more thing that made my three days out from social media is I learned to cling more to God even in the most difficult and painful part of my life. His grace indeed abounds to His children.

And God is able to make all grace overflow to you so that because you have enough of everything in every way at all times, you will overflow in every good work. 2 Corinthians 9:8

La Virginia Resort, Batangas

2014 san Pedro Doctor’s Hospital Anniversary held at La Virginia’s Resort, Batangas from May 6-7, 2014
Glad that the employed staff invited us (volunteers) to enjoy the companionship of our Seniors and Junior staff. Here’s my 10 notes regarding my experience 🙂

1. We arrived at La Virginia at most probably around 9:30am? I’m not sure but it was a bit early. We fixed our things, looked for our beds space. Retouched.

2. As we arrive to the place, the place was really like under the mountain. The road was on its peak and very high, difficult to walk up, but the view was really a speechless moment for me. I was so excited. I’d rather go to the beach than go to the pool (my mind says). As I went down from the van, I even had deep craving for white-sand beaches…

3. Of course before eating, our senior staffs gave us time to enjoy the sight and spend time productively with workmates. Picture here, picture there. NONSTOP!

4. There were so many places to go, because the resort is so big! First spot is the Gorilla. Amazing Sculpture, inspired by the movie King Kong I suppose?

5. We also went to the small hanging bridge, scared each other from falling. But it did not stop us from taking pictures.

6. Solo pictures became group pictures, not one matinong solo picture given…

7. There’s also a Huge Buddha. The rad tech took picture next to small buddha because he looks just the same with them.

8. A castle built near the entrance, very cute, we didn’t go inside but the place is sure! there’s also an imitated white sand beach with fake helicopters under water. Plus the famous super heroes of this generation. I took photo with Captain America, since there’s no Superman, in substitute.

9. Swam our hearts out. Ate delicious foods. Played games. Had so much fun with great awesome workmates!

10. More than the delicious foods, beautiful place, competitive games, what even made me happy was being with awesome people who are willing to be part of my life.

We work professionally, but beyond work, there’s a strong bond within us. I am thankful to be part of this family. And thank You Lord for this blessing and experience! 🙂 I know that this is part of Your plans. You know me that much that You give the desires of my heart. 🙂 #thankful and #grateful 🙂

Dating in a Cafè

Quality time is one of my love language. I love talking, listening, and do creative things with people I dearly care. Cafè is one of my favorite spot catching up with my friends. Why? Here are my few of the many reasons.

1. Cafè has a good ambiance (well, most of them).
2. They play classic jazz music or if not the latest good-to-ears songs.
3. Free wifi.
4. Light meals and drinks.
5. Employees are very approachable.

I’m not saying every Cafe has the same criteria but most of the time its the first place in the minds of particular people: business people, students, singles, couples, children, family or even the old people. Why? Maybe because of same reason I mentioned above. Not only the good quality of the food but also it provides good environment. Even it takes you a long time of stay , employees will assist and accommodate your needs.

Good place to have a date also. Because of the environment, if your not fond of walking (which I also love) you can stay with each other even talking with nonsense topics repeatedly. But of course in a cafè, it only gives us a temporary relaxing solitude moment. Whenever we feel like things get out of control at work or home, you go to a place where you wanted to relax and vent all the strained thoughts of dirt and anger. So that’s it. Oh by the way, Starbucks is still one of my favorite hangout place of dating people close to my heart. 🙂

Southwoods Unihealth …..

As of today, I’m here at Mcdonalds southwoods. I came from Southwoods Unihealth to pass my edited resume. Before I went there, I was so dread nervous. I am wearing a corporate attire just in case of on the spot interview. The hospital is still on going construction with men workers. I haven’t seen one lady or any woman inside the construction site. I was assisted by gentlemen security guards (I suppose they should because its part of their job). The security guard assisted me all the way up to the third floor, instructing the workers to stop as I walk towards their way. Actually the building is not yet fixed but I guess they are almost half way finish. When I got to the room where I should pass my resume, the security guard wished me luck (Oh by thew ay, even the tricycle driver wished me luck as I rode off his vehicle). So I passed my papers to the so-called Mr. Alvin, and had a relief when I handled it to him. Asked him when they are going to start and if they have applicants already. He said yes and maybe late in June is their target.

Last year, as I see that building build it was already included of my prayer. I see it as my future hospital experience but not as a volunteer nurse rather as Staff Nurse in a special area. Every time I go home, when I was at the backride in tricycle, I was already praying for that hospital whispering these positive and full of faith words as I point and look to the not-yet finish building ” I’ll be one of your E.R staff nurse or a Staff nurse!”. I was asking it to God since last year, praying for a tertiary hospital and get employed this time.

Nothing is impossible to God who has given us these blessings. He knows where we are going to use our gifts for His glory. I just can’t believe that every time I whine and complain at my work, I still can’t give up this job, like what Sharon said on her movie Caregiver “I care about my job, I care about you, Sir”. I wholeheartedly care about my job even it takes no salary or just “thank you” in return.

It takes trust, hope, perseverance and faith to get to the place you’ve dreamed of. Love leads us to stir the unwavering passion to push hard and live the different circumstances. Experience teaches us to do better and help us throughout consequences.

Fears won’t stop me from pursuing and chasing my dreams. By the help of my greatest Backer in life, God, will surely make all things possible. He will surely be true to His promises.